Snowflakes

Varenda and I went to Target today. As we walked into the store I commented on how it was warmer than what I had expected (about 50ish) and that I didn't really need my jacket. When we walked out of the store, she said, "Oh look! There are snowflakes!" I said, "No.. it's too warm." And then I looked, and sure enough -- there were white flakes falling from the sky!! "It really is snowing!"

And then we heard the man walking behind us say, "It's just ash." Poopy-head.

More Bad News about Justin

My cousin's MRIs are giving the doctor reason to be concerned and they are going to start aggressive radiation therapy with him. The type of cancer they SAID he had only has a 30% chance of survival rate with surgery and chemo/ radiation. My dad said that my uncle said (that idk who said) that the doctors are now not sure what kind of cancer it was, which doesn't make since b/c the pathology report should have told them what kind.

Originally they thought it was just the tumor -- now they're pretty sure it's worse. Justin isn't really talking to me (not out of the ordinary) and he said he's "ok".

Just keep praying please.

updates

I never blog here. I don't know why because I blog at Xanga and I read other's blogs. I should just double post. I think part of the reason I don't though is because I know who reads my Xanga and I have more control over it (or at least I know how to have more control over it). If I were to double post, I might have to start being more careful what I say!

So, let's see what's been going on in my life... In October, Brooke came to visit and we went to a corn maze. A random guy asked me for my number. He was kind of cute, very redneck, and to make a long story short, he got my number. He called me, put the ball in my court and that's where it's stayed.

I am looking forward to starting back to school in January with NEW classmates and a few of the former assisting students that I liked (like Emily!). My last day of work is December 18. I will miss making money. Not that I've actually gotten to enjoy much of it that I've made since I've been busy paying for school and paying for my a/c to be fixed in my car (that was over the summer).

Last weekend I went on a shopping spree with my mom. I got two new outfits for church and got some GREAT sales at Ann Taylor Loft (love that store!).

I'm learning to crochet and I've made a few scarves, though only one of them actually turned out well. And I'm giving it away as a gift because I think it would make a nice gift and it's the favorite color of the person I'm giving it to. I did take it for a test drive yesterday just to make sure it wears nicely. It does.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. My brother is coming up and we're going to eat some yummy food. It should be good!! Anyway, that's all for now!

Come soon Jesus

UPDATE: The pathology report showed that the tumor was cancerous. I haven't spoken to Justin, but our uncle said that he is in good spirits and positive. He was released from the hospital today and is going to be staying at a rehab center in Jacksonville -- I don't know for how long.

I think it's really poopy that my 19 year old cousin has cancer. But I KNOW that God is bigger than this and no matter what, I pray that He will be glorified through this. Justin is a fighter and a survivor... and God is even stronger than He is.

Please continue to keep him in your prayers.




UPDATE: Yesterday morning, Justin had PT and he walked a few steps with a walker. He's still weak, of course, but he is able to move his legs. The PT said that he should be walking like normal in 6 weeks and make a full recovery as far as his motor abilities go. PRAISE THE LORD!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! Thank you Jesus!

He was in much better spirits yesterday than he had been on Friday when we left. He thanked me so many times for coming down and being there with him and apologized profusely for his attitude on Friday (which of course I told him was understandable and I didn't feel like he needed to apologize for it). A bunch of friends from school were in his room playing Apples to Apples with him and he had a couple friends coming up from Jacksonville and then our uncle and cousin were driving up too.

Now we're just waiting on that pathology report... Which, at the time I had talked to him, he still didn't even know there was a possibility of cancer... But if it is, I feel quite sure that he is going to fight it and fight it hard and win. This kid kicks a$$ and God well... he kicks bigger a$$.










My cousin is 19 years old and goes to school in Savannah. About two months ago, he started having some back pain and went to the doctor about it. They did some x-rays and didn't really see anything and told him that it was probably just arthritis. Well, earlier this week he noticed that his legs wouldn't work right, but he could still walk and things were fine. Thursday morning he woke up and couldn't walk. His roommate took him to the ER and they did an MRI and a CT scan. They discovered that he had a tumor on his spine around T3 or T4 and wanted to get him in for surgery yesterday, but because he had already eaten they decided to wait until this morning.

I decided to go down there to be with my cousins and grandparents because Kayla, his sister, is only 16 and really young and my grandparents are completely and totally incompetent and basically Kayla was having to be the adult. For those of you that don't know the background info, my aunt was a druggie and was killed 5 1/2 years ago in a car accident, and my uncle has been in and out of prison (like 8 or 9 times) for their entire life and is currently in prison for violating parole... again. So, it's not a good situation to begin with.

Anyway, I decided that I needed to go down because well... Kayla and Justin needed support and Kayla was having to be the adult for everyone and that just isn't a good thing. So, my dad met me in Columbia and we went down together.

We got there and Justin was in surgery. They anticipated that it would take 8 hours, but it only took about 3. The surgeon came out and talked to us. Everything went well in surgery and they were able to remove the entire tumor. However.....

During surgery they tested the motor and sensory neurons to see how they were responding. After removing the tumor, the sensory neurons were responding well and had actually improved, but there was no response from the motor neurons. He can move his toes, but he was able to do that before surgery.

Based on the MRI/ CT they thought that the tumor was benign, but after the surgery the physician was saying that they aren't sure at this point and he said something about "where it might have originated from" and he said that it has some "characteristics" and then he just kind of stopped and said that at this point, they aren't able to determine anything and we should have results from pathology on Tuesday or Wednesday, but it didn't sound promising.

Justin is in the neuro ICU tonight because of the weakness in his legs and they wanted to be able to keep a watch on him. He starts PT tomorrow and should be moved from the Neuro ICU.

He was very distraught because he thought that the surgery would happen and then everything would be ok and he'd be up and walking and you know... fine. As far as I know, he isn't even aware yet of the possibility of cancer, but he is very very aware of the fact that he may not ever walk again. He is very pessimistic about all of this.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be 19 years old and one day everything is fine and the next day wake up and be paralyzed from the waist down. But even more, I can't imagine going through this without the hope that comes from having a relationship with Jesus. Justin isn't a Christian and my prayer is not only that he will be healed but in the process that Jesus Christ will be lifted up and Justin will come to know Him and have a relationship with Him.

Please continue to keep him in your prayers and his sister as well. She is having a hard time dealing with all of this and she is being so amazingly strong and mature about it all... but she's still just a little girl. These kids have been through more in their <20 years than anyone should EVER have to go through in a lifetime.

It's just not fair, but I serve a God who is bigger than any of this and has the power to make the lame walk and the blind see and the deaf hear. I serve a God who can turn cold hearts of stone into warm, beating vital hearts.

Thank you all for your prayers. I'll keep you updated.

Drag You Down -- Charlotte Kendrick

This song really spoke to me. I searched all over for the lyrics, but I don't think they're on the internet at all. So, I decided to type them out myself so I could share with you guys. If you listen to the song here, and figure out that she said something different than what I heard, let me know.

I’m gonna leave you alone tonight

You’ve been saying you need a little quiet time

And I don’t want to crowd your heart

I won’t talk about the future if you find it hard

It’s just that I was mesmerized by you from the start

But I’ve got nothing on you, you’ve got everything on me

You say there’s so much out there you still haven’t seen

And that you can’t settle down ‘til you can say you’ve been

Well I know restlessness and I know goodbyes

And that whatever you need to leave, never gets left behind

???Because maybe what you’ve been sneaking???? on bored your mind

Still I got nothing on you, you’ve got everything on me

You don’t know what’s gone wrong

You gotta sort some things through

I’m thinking you’re not strong enough

To say you’re not in love too

So if I drag you down let go of my hand

If this isn’t your town, find your promised land

I’m not angry with you for wanting it all

All I ask is that I be part of your plans

When I ask if you love me signs say yes

I’d like to freeze it that way ‘cause your past might test

Still I can’t help but notice the signals you send my way

You want your arms free, I want mine around your waist

And now you’re looking over my shoulder just in case

Yeah yeah yes

So if I drag you down let go of my hand

If this isn’t your town find your promised land

If I drag you down

No, I have nothing on you, you had everything

You had everything

You had everything on me

Dreams Meet Reality

In my dream,
you were a hero,
strong, unwavering,
faithful.

And you came
to rescue me.

You were romantic,
and rugged, like my
very own GI Joe,
and I, your brunette Barbie.

But then I awoke,
and now I wonder.

Does GI Joe exist
in real life? And
can Barbie actually
be a brunette?

With Bated Breath

With bated breath
I wait
Heart pulsating erratically
Inside my chest

And with bated breath
I wait
For the call I have learned
To never expect

But with bated breath
I wait
For hope is something
That is not easily expired

So with bated breath
I will wait
In faith, trusting
That his word is good

Labeled in His Blood

Galatians 3:26-29, NIV Reader's Version
You are all children of God by believing in Christ Jesus. All of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ as if he were your clothes. There is no Jew or Greek. There is no slave or free person. There is no male or female. Because you belong to Christ Jesus, you are all one. You who belong to Christ are Abraham's seed. You will receive what God has promised

Tonight, as I was reading Galatians 3, these verses took on a new meaning to me. I suppose that I had just never thought about it before, so it had no meaning to me at all. But tonight, as I was reading, it hit me: It doesn't matter. It doesn't where you've come from. It doesn't matter what your background is. It doesn't matter how horrible of a sinner you are or how long you walked in the world. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor. It doesn't matter if you're well-educated or have barely been to school. It doesn't matter if you come from a broken home or an orphanage or a loving family. It doesn't matter if you are man or woman. It doesn't matter if you're young or old. It doesn't matter if you've done drugs, drank, smoked, had pre-marital/ extra-marital sex, murdered people, had an abortion, gone through a divorce, etc. It doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is JESUS CHRIST. And if we belong to Him, then that is ALL that matters. His blood has covered ALL of our sins. His blood takes our dirty past and washes us clean with a new life. When we come to Jesus, we are all the same. We're just sinners in need of a Saviour. When we accept Jesus we are no longer branded with labels according to our sins, but we are covered in His blood and it labels us not as a sinner, but as God's son or daughter.

And I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty amazing.

Can I help you?

This is a common occurrence when I'm sitting in my chair on the computer. Apparently, she's starved for affection.

The Socialite (LOL)

I have done things with people (other than work) for 3 days in a row. In case you don't know, this is a huge deal for me.

Thursday night: movie with David
Friday evening: dinner with a girl from school
This afternoon: hiking/ rappelling/ climbing with the Frocks and Ryan and Courtnie

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

Even though...

The other day, I read Isaiah 45 and this verse really stood out to me:
4 Cyrus, I am sending for you by name.
I am doing it for the good of the family of Jacob.
They are my servants.
I am doing it for Israel.
They are my chosen people.
You do not know anything about me.
But I am giving you a title of honor.

I don't know, there was just something that spoke to me -- that even though Cyrus didn't know God, God had a plan for him and gave him a title of honor and apparently used him to accomplish His purpose. At the time, I didn't know what to say about it. I just thought it was really neat. God might be using me even though I sometimes feel like i don't know anything about Him.

Then tonight, I read Romans 8

26 In the same way, the Holy Spirit helps us when we are weak. We don't know what we should pray for. But the Spirit himself prays for us. He prays with groans too deep for words. 27 God, who looks into our hearts, knows the mind of the Spirit. And the Spirit prays for God's people just as God wants him to pray. 28 We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose.

29 God planned that those he had chosen would become like his Son. In that way, Christ will be the first and most honored among many brothers. 30 And those God has planned for, he has also appointed to be saved. Those he has appointed, he has made right with himself. To those he has made right with himself, he has given his glory.

31 What should we say then? Since God is on our side, who can be against us?


The two passages seem related to me. God, who at times I do not know at all, has a plan for me. Because I do not know Him at times and can't think of what to say to Him in prayer, the Holy Spirit speaks to God on my behalf. God works out all things to the good of those who love Him. He has planned for me to become like Jesus because he chose me. God is on my side -- even when I'm not on His.

How much more then, should I desire to be on His?

a long day

I worked until almost 9:30 tonight. I got there at 1:30, which isn't too bad, except that my day didn't begin at 1:30, it began before that... so a late night makes it feel like a long day. I could never be a nurse. Ever.

Ever.

Ever. Just had to add those last few ever's to make sure we're clear on that.

I realized though, I have a lot to be thankful for. Last night I was talking to a guy who is serving in Iraq right now. And while I wanted to get home from work because I was missing precious facebook time, he is missing precious time with his little girl. My job might FEEL like the worst job ever some days, but there are worse things. It kind of helped to put things in perspective for me.

As much as it put things in perspective -- this is still my life and the one I have to live. And just because he's in Iraq doesn't mean that I can't go to bed because I'm exhausted. And I am. exhausted, that is. Well, and going to bed.

When "I don't know" is all I've got

why, we just don't know... why

i don't know
what you have for me

a wedding dress,
a handsome prince,
happily ever after

i don't know
what you have for me

a picket fence,
a tree swing,
a cobblestone path

i don't know
what you have for me

a pigtailed princess,
a little cowboy,
eskimo kisses

i don't know
what you have for me

lessons in patience
cultivating trust
experiencing love

i don't know
what you have for me

but i know
a lonely heart
and hopelessness

(c) Amber Hill

I saw God today

Sometimes I try to look for God in little things throughout my day. As I was writing my last post (And this is love...), I had a cat (a FAT cat) laying across my arms pinning them down as I was typing on my laptop. She is purring loudly. I pushed her away about 5 times before realizing that all my efforts were in vain. Nothing I did would stop her from trying to get up in the chair as close to me as she could possibly be. I threw her out of the chair once. I put my foot under her, as she rubbed up against my legs and pleaded with me to let her up, and gently moved her a few feet away from me. So many times, I've had to send her out of my room, shut the door, and tell her no. And yet, she keeps coming back. You can rough her up and make her mad and instead of taking it out on you, she'll take it out on Sarah (the other cat). And three seconds later, she'll be back begging for more. If I'm in the kitchen cooking, she's there saying, "Meow. Meow. Meow." Which is translated, "I'm fat. Feed me and make me fatter." Or "Talk back to me in meows so I'll answer you."

So, as my arms were pinned down under her weight, I realized that God is a lot like Zoe. No matter how many times I shove Him away, He's still RIGHT THERE asking me to let Him back in. No matter how many times I shut the door of my heart to Him, he still stands at the door knocking. When I'm distracted by the things of this world, He's there, begging me to pay attention to Him. And when I talk to Him, he answers.

Zoe, you are welcome to get off of my arms any time so I can get the cat hair off of me. God, you're welcome to stay with me today.

And this is love...

Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.
1 John 4:7-12

I read this passage over and over again trying to come up with something to write about it. I copied it from Biblegateway.com and pasted it into my blog thinking that was a good place to start. I drew a few things from this passage, but they're the standard things that I've always gotten from this passage. God is love, we can love because He loved us first, people who know God will demonstrate love toward one another.

And then I read this: "No one has ever seen God." As I read that, it hit me -- if God is love and no one has ever seen God then my demonstration of love toward my neighbor is ultimately showing them God. When I do things for someone out of love, such as making a meal that I KNOW Dr. Fowler enjoys just because I love him and want him to have a meal that he enjoys, I'm not giving him a meal, I'm giving him God. When I'm irritated by the hygienist and we're behind schedule and the kid in room 2 bit me and I can't get Dr. Colburn to come check my patients -- when I'm having a bad day at work -- and I demonstrate love to a patient through my patience with them, I am giving them more than a pleasant experience at the dental office. I am giving them God.

It just made me think -- how many people in this world need God? How many times have I said that someone who is unkind or selfish "needs Jesus"? While developing a relationship with Him is ultimately what they need most, it begins with them seeing God and meeting Him. As a Christian, God has given me the ability to love. With that ability comes a responsibility to show people who He is. If someone "needs Jesus" then I have the power to begin meeting that need. Only God can truly meet the need, but I have the power to introduce Him to that person. And that starts with demonstrating love toward them.

That Was Fun!

When I woke up this morning, I thought, "I want to do something fun today." So, I went shopping. I didn't really buy anything. Well, not totally true. Our LNT is going out of business and my mom has been looking for a slip cover for the sofa, so I found one for 60% off that will match the room and bought it for my mom. Well, technically I guess my mom and dad bought it since I put it on the credit card, but whatever. Minor details, right?

That still wasn't really enough fun though. So, I looked up what movies were at the $1.50 theater and asked Varenda if she wanted to go see What Happens in Vegas with me. After all, what movie with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz could be bad? And they didn't let me down. The movie was SO funny and SO good. I laughed and, well... I almost cried. It was nice to go somewhere with someone and have fun. And for only $3. I paid for her movie... I mean, it was only $1.50 and I sort of live at her house for free and she feeds me. It was the least I could do. (See how thoughtful I am?)

Anyway, know what's really going to be fun? When Courtnie and Ryan move here. Ryan is our new youth pastor and Courtnie is his wife. They're in their 20s and seem like they are a lot of fun. I knew who they were before I knew they were coming to our church. The church the attend (used to attend?) is in Charlotte, and it's probably my favorite church ever. So whenever I'm at my parents house in Statesville, I go to the University City church. And sometimes, I just drive up to Charlotte on Sabbath morning to go to the church. So, I knew who they were from Sabbath School and they seemed like nice people. I officially met them last Sabbath and Courtnie is just REALLY sweet. We have been commenting back and forth on Facebook. I can't wait for them to move down because it means I'll have a new friend. And of course, I can always use one of those. Especially right now. Things have been pretty lonely.

So, that was my fun day! How was yours?

Making an attempt...

Hi! I haven't been able to get into the whole blogger thing. I do blog on my Xanga, but for some reason, Blogger has always seemed so difficult to use. However, I spent a little time on here today and I have figured it out a little more, so I think I know enough to (maybe) enjoy using it.
Originally, I only wanted to use this for the things that I wrote that were deep and insightful. It seems as though "deep and insightful" for me has been few and far between. I think now I'll just use it to write on and if I ever come across and deep/ insightful thought, then I will post that.
Until then, let me introduce myself if you don't know me. My name is Amber, which is probably evident from my profile. I like long walks on the beach, movies, sunsets, and... oh wait, this isn't a personal ad.

I work for a dentist in Spartanburg as a dental hygiene assistant. That basically means that I take a lot of x-rays and sometimes I polish people's teeth. I'm going back to school in January for dental hygiene and then I'm going to Southern Adventist University to get my BS in Health Science. While it seems as though I have it all figured out, let me assure you, I do not. In fact, I'm not even sure if I want to be a dental hygienist, but I enjoy it enough that I'm going to go ahead and complete my degree in dental hygiene because I really like dentistry and it's good to have a dental background for what I'm thinking I really want to do. And that's why I'm getting my BHS.

I think that I want to be a sales rep for a dental product company (such as Listerine, Sonicare, Patterson Dental, Sullivan-Schein, the dental division of 3M company, etc). I'm sure you're saying, "But wait Amber, you said that you're a dental assistant. So, don't you have a dental background?" Yes. And that leads me to my next point. Dental hygienists make great money and dental hygiene offers me flexibility. And hey, I want to get married and have kids and I'd really like to stay home with my kids as much as possible. Dental hygiene would allow me to choose my own schedule and only work if/ when I want/ need to. And, I like teeth. And teaching people how to take care of their teeth. And I like helping to prevent people from losing their teeth.

A few other quick things about me -- I like to write, play piano, sing, read, sleep, eat, cook, etc. I think kids are fun. I'm an INFJ personality type. (What type are you?) I think some of the best
things in life are family and friends.

I love God. I wish I had as much to say about Him as I did about dentistry. He and I are working on this whole relationship thing. Sometimes it works, other times I don't let it. A man that goes to my church tells this story about carrying water in a basket. I found the story on someone's blog, so you can read it there. Anyway, I guess that right now, I'm trying to do that. I get so discouraged reading my Bible. Not because I don't remember it, but because I just don't feel like it's doing anything. I don't feel like it matters or makes a difference. I hate to admit this, but sometimes, I don't even enjoy it. But maybe, just maybe, if I read my Bible -- just one or two verses even -- and spend a little bit of time in prayer, maybe God will begin to change me and maybe I'll recognize His presence more than ever. I enjoy working for God. I enjoy going to church and I know what I believe and why I believe it. I know what's right. I know that God is good and that He is love and that He is merciful and powerful and big. But I want to know those things. I want to believe those things and to feel those things and to experience Jesus for myself. There is a verse in Psalms that says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." It doesn't just say to see that He is good, but it says to taste and see. To me that means that you have to jump in, get involved, and experience Jesus. Watching other people taste Him, isn't going to make me know who He is. Listening to Pastor Jerry or Pastor Daddy (that's right, I'm a PK) isn't enough. A vicarious relationship with Jesus is NOT a relationship with Jesus. Maybe you can pray for me, as I carry my empty basket to the Water of Life and allow God to begin filling me with Himself.

That got a lot deeper than I intended for it to. Anyway, this is me.

I Wanna Be Your Scarlet Love Potion

All a-flutter and a-buzzing
(I want your heart to be)
The hummingbird is drawn to the feeder
(please be drawn to me)

The trill of the wings give
indication of its presence
I am still–

(I will wait for you to come to me,
but patience is virtue I have never known)

Drawn to the scarlet potion
It hovers at the feeder
Imbibing the sugary nectar
(I long to give you all of myself)

As quickly as it comes, it goes
But if I wait, I will hear the trill once again
Telling me that it has returned
(Do I keep you coming back?)

No, nothing is going on...

In Case My Unspoken Words Should Find Your Unhearing Ears

In case my unspoken words should find your unhearing ears,
In case my unsung song should touch your unresponsive heart,
In case my unsmiling face should ever be warmed by your unseeing eyes,
In case my unwritten love letters ever make their way to your unopened mail,
In case my unashamed crush is ever noticed by your unperceptive mind,
In case my unbroken heart is ever shattered by your unkind words,
Know that I still have my pride, my grace, my beauty
And lest you think me weak, let me assure you,
I will never be undone.