Sunday, January 28, 2007

Surrender

 I have a bad habit of settling for less than what I want and less than what I'm worth.  Maybe because I do not realize my worth.  I have been bought at a price though -- a very high price and my life was paid for by the precious and perfect life of Jesus.  That means I am worth everything and I deserve the very best.  God has the very best in store for me.  When I settle, I am showing Him that I do not trust Him to be God.

Tyler, the guy I have been seeing, is a really great guy.  He treats me really well and is pretty good to me.  He's smart, funny, and generally just a great person to be around.  But he's not what I want.   Ben was really abusive and I've been trying to determine if I'm moving slowly with Tyler or backing off because I'm scared and running or if it's because he's not right for me.  And over the last couple of weeks, a voice in my head, or maybe my heart has spoken the same words to me repeatedly.  "You are settling."  And I am.  Because you know what?  I want a man who is going to be Adventist.  I want a man who is going to serve beside me in ministry.  I want a man who is going to share in my beliefs and my passions.  I want a man who will go to church with me, who will respect my beliefs and my values and who will love me enough to see my past for what it is, and to see me for who I am now.  I want a man who will love me enough to understand, truly understand, that I need space and time.  I want a man who will love me enough to woo me gently and to be patient.

Yesterday, I was watching a friend of mine.  I don't know much about her past or what has shaped her, but I know that she has been scared of a relationship.  Time and time again, I have observed as she runs from relationships because of fear.  And I've seen her grow and give some of that to Jesus and put it in His hands.  She has been seeing a man for a few months.  He is a godly man who appears to be very much in love with her.  I was watching them yesterday and thinking that I want a man who will be to me what he is to her.  He has been patient.  He has gently wooed her and patiently loved her, allowing her to take the time she needs and move at the pace that her fragile heart requires.  Recently she decided that she was ready to take the relationship one step further and that it was time for them to "come out".  With his love, and her Heavenly Father's love, she is gaining courage and letting go of some of her fears.  Yesterday, as I observed them sitting on my couch, I heard that same voice in my head saying, "Amber, will you let me be God?"

And you know, settling isn't just about relationships.  So often we settle for sin and imperfection because we don't believe that we are worth any more than that.  But you have been bought with the blood of Jesus.  You are worth everything and you deserve the very best that He has for you.  Let God, be God.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

I surrender myself to you.  My fears, my wants, my needs. I recognize that if I am worth the blood of Jesus, I am worth the very best in this life. I'm sorry for sinning against you in my distrust. You have the very best in store for me. Be God.

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